• The reality: Stop buying avocado toast and fancy coffee? No, stop buying anything. Do not open a new credit card. Do not buy a stick of gum. If you finance a burrito, the bank will find out and deny your mortgage.
• Pro tip: Pretend your bank account is a medieval fortress. Nobody gets in, nobody gets out.
• Day 14: "Look, honey! This one has three walls, a roof that only leaks when it rains, and it's only a 90-minute commute to work if we leave at 3:00 AM."
• The Zestimate Trap: Do not trust online valuation tools. They are magic numbers generated by a sad computer that knows nothing about the mold in the basement.
• The competition: Remember that 50 other people also want this house, and at least three of them are willing to offer a firstborn child and waive all inspections.
• Inspection time: The inspector will find out that the house was built on an ancient burial ground and the plumbing is made of dreams and pipe cleaners. Use this to ask for a $500 credit.
• The hand cramp: You will sign 847 documents that say "Initial Here." You will not read a single one of them. If page 41 says you legally agree to become the seller's personal lawnmower, you own a push-reel now.
• The keys: Finally, I hand you the keys. You stand in an empty, echoing room, realize you have to pack boxes, and wonder why you didn't just rent a tent.
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